Building Positive Relationships with Teen Girls- Part 1

Building Positive Relationships with Teen Girls- Part 1 - By Jeffrey Leiken, MA

Building Positive Relationships with Teen Girls- Part 1
By Jeffrey Leiken, MA

Over the past month and a half I prepared and presented a series of programs on the specifics of how to work effectively with teen-agers, focusing in particular on the volatile age of 13. I've read, talked about, and researched much of what is out there on this topic... and always from the perspective of "What is working?"

What has become evident is that the struggles with this age group are pervasive - it is the most common age group I get asked about. It is also evident that it is much easier for people to focus on the nature of the problems these girls face and much harder to speak of solutions. It is also evident that the most cutting edge work being done now stems from people who are studying the development of the adolescent brain and how this effects decision making (or lack thereof), sleep patterns, emotional surges and self-perception. We are finding there is much more that is involuntary in these kids than most of the field of psychology has thought.

Finally, there is much written about the difficulty teen girls have in relationships, some of it from well respected sources, but very little about how to counter that - or what to do about it.

It is these last points that I want to address briefly in these posting.

In her book The Frailty Myth: Redefining the Physical Potential of Women and Girls, Colette Dowling explores in great details the stories women are taught which impact their sense of possibilities and limitations about their bodies. She points out the fascinating research which was done around women who have grown up to be successful leaders and how the one thing they most often share in common is having played competitive team sports throughout adolescence. There is the obvious connection to be made with how this allows girls the opportunity to experience competition in a positive way - and to grow comfortable with it.

There is something else though which to me is of great interest and I believe of great significance...

The overwhelming empirical evidence I find for my beliefs about this suggests this has as much to do with these girls being allowed an on-going sense of comfort and ease of being in their bodies, as it does anything else. One of the points I make to graphically demonstrate this is to contrast the way women are taught to sit "proper" with their legs crossed versus the way they are when they are actively engaged in cheering on their teammates in sports - a totally different experience of being in the body!

This sense of the charge of being actively in the body is also in great contrast to the way the body is when it is holding stress and tension. Playing sports demands being out of the head (thinking about things) and instead being in the body in the full sensory experience... and in a most positive way. There is tons of evidence and research which sugests how vital this is to both physical and emotional health.

Laughter, playfulness, silliness.. the kinds of things we see so little of in girls this age, are essential... and are things we can do, with ease. The more we can do things with girls which gets them to be relaxed, at-ease and enjoying life - with the accompanying response is causes in the body - the better their lives will be. In this case, laughter may indeed be the best "therapy" - the best medicine.

Secondly, there is a positive sense of relationships which being on a team fosters. There is no room for resentment or hurtfulness between teammates who are committed to winning.

Time and again I have found that girls of this age have very few sources in their lives for positive connections with others - relationships which allow them to be fully at ease and feel connected without reserve.

Parents often get caught up in continuing to try and protect their daughters as they grow into this age when what they need is to be free to begin to explore their own independence. Rather than adjusting the way they relate to their children at this age to be more appropriate for the budding young adult they are becoming, parents (and adults in general) tend to become even more watchful and critical.

The resultant response this causes in young teens is a relationship where when they are with their parents they become tense and guarded. Often evenwhen parents are being complimentary it is received as just another sign that they are being "babied" and not treated respectfully! Michael Rierra has written a series of books on connecting with teens which I find particularly useful if you have gotten to the point where your teen is experiencing you this way and you need to establish rapport and can't figure out how. In particular check out his book, Staying Connected to Your Teen.

The key to this age then for us as professionals working with these girls is to create relationships with these girls which are positive FOR THEM... to be with these girls in a way in which when they are with us they are at ease. Doing this creates the internal response we are hoping to create when we do things like give compliments - and it allows these girls the chance to begin to reconnect with what is best in themselves. It also allows us to have great leverage in helping them formulate their values and the choices they'll make of how they want to live. Finally, it allows us to begin to facilitate their having these kinds of relationships with one another. The best work being written on this topic at this point in my opinion is Michael Gurian's The Wonder Of Girls.

I also know that doing this effectively with girls of this age demands skill and can indeed be an art form. It is my intention over this year to publish a series of vignettes like the one below, which offer examples of how this is being done effectively. I hope you will find these useful and I will look forward to your sharing more of your successes with me in the coming year.

Best regards,
Jeffrey Leiken

Jeffrey S. Leiken, MA
The Center for Confidence and Success
San Francisco - New York - London
415.441..8218
www.MentorCounselor.com
Empowering youth to lead extraordinary lives

Iesha -age 15.

This first story is extreme. It is about connecting with an angry inner-city girl living a life on the margin.

I met Iesha when I was working as an "at-risk" counselor in the San Francisco public schools in the mid 1990s. She was placed in an alternative school for her frequent discipline problems, failing grades and poor attendance. She had been picked up by the police for possessing pot and was now on probation - a consequence which compelled her to attend school or risk being incarcerated.

Like most of the kids I worked with at the time she came from a single parent home and was surrounded by lots of adults and kids who exhibited similar behaviors and attitudes towards the culture at large. She was highly guarded and expected not only that the adults in the school would not be able to relate to her reality, but that nothing they would say or do would be useful or positive for her. In short, she had set people like me up to be obstacles to her life rather than helpers or positive guides.

Though she came to school, she frequently came late and thus began our series of morning meetings as she'd come to me for a late pass. Initially most of my comments to her were met with defensiveness and/or indifference. I came to expect this and in an attempt to just be different than she would expect from an adult in the schools, I took to being overtly dramatic about my indifference to her. This is something often referred to as pacing.

An example:
Iesha: Enters room without knocking. I need a pass.
Me:So.
Iesha: What do you mean so?
Me: I mean what I said.
Iesha: (now a bit flustered). Mr. Jeff I need a pass!
Me:That's not all you need.
Iesha: Oh my G-d are you copping an attitude with me?
Me: What attitude??Every day you come in here and treat me like you could care less that I exist and like nothing I say matters. Why should I be concerned about what you need?
Iesha: - clearly flustered now. Says nothing.
Me:Here's your pass. Maybe sometime you'll come in and have something nice to say. You might find it worth your while... I'll see you tomorrow, I'm sure. I pause long enough to make eye contact - sincere eye contact. The kind that reveals that I am more present than my words suggest.

She leaves. The next day Iesha arrives late again:

Iesha: How you doin' this morning Mr. Jeff. Thatss a nice tie you got there. Where'd you buy it, Wal-Mart?
Me: Let me guess. You need a pass.
Iesha: (dramatically) PLEASE!!
Me: handing her the pass - "K"

Iesha: puzzled. K? What do you mean K?
Me: "K as in K-Mart. I bought the tie at K-Mart. Now get out of here. Us poor counselors have REAL work to do."

Thus began our series of conversations which led to a bond which formed and eventually became one of the most significant ones both in her life and in my at the time, very young career.

Within a week I established a boundary with Iesha that I would allow her to come in and meet with me only on the days when she came to school on time. If she did, I would arrange special meeting time for us. This typically happened only once or twice a week but when it did she made a point to come in and tell me she was there. The positive connection had begun to form in a way which stayed with her even outside of school.

I spent many hours over the course of that fall and winter just listening to her tell her stories of the things she'd seen and heard. I learned about her mother who left her with her Grandmother and got caught up in being with men who used her for sex and got her deeply involved in drugs. She told me what it was like when she would see her mother on the streets wired on cocaine hanging on the shoulder of some drug dealer - how embarrassing it was and how much resentment she felt.

I'd hear these stories and not know what to say other than to continue to point out to her that she still very much had the possibility of making her own life be so much better. Over time she came to listen to me long enough to consider the possibilities of what I was offering. It was not new to her to hear it, but it seemed like the first time she actually listened and considered it.

She shared with me news about the boys she was involved with and especially the older guys who were interested in her. It concerned me that she would fall for these guys and I'd ask her how she knows these guys are not any different than the ones her mother fell for. She'd get angry with me and occasionally would stomp out of my office mumbling about how I am just like every one else... and I'd let her go.

I knew she'd be back. It was evident to me just how much she needed - and wanted - a positive connection with an adult - one who would be a voice of reason even as she needed to make her choices and find her own way.

In March of that year she stopped coming to school. My repeated calls to her Grandmother's home went unanswered. More than a month passed and I was informed by the Probation department that she was in serious trouble and that she wasn't allowed visitors. I chalked Iesha up to one of the many disappointments of working with this population. I had grown used to this feeling I was making a difference only to lose out to the many forces out there in their world which had more leverage than me. It is not that I had grown hard to it - in fact it still bothers me to this day when it happens. It is just that I had gotten to the point where I realized that I never know how much time I am going to have with anyone - thus it is vital to make sure the time we have is maximized and done with the most impact.

One afternoon in late April, Iesha called my office. She was back in her Grandmother's home and wanted to see me.

When she arrived in my office she sat down and immediately began telling me a long story about how her mother had shown up one night and ravaged the house looking for money. Iesha totally lost control and pulled a knife out and chased her mother away. The neighbors called the police and had her taken away to Juvenile Hall. While there she refused to talk to anyone and was put on suicide watch. After a week of not eating and not talking she was taken to the psych hospital. There she attacked a couple of workers and was sedated and strapped down. They refused to let her free until she agreed to eat and talk. When she finally acquiesced, she spent a week in isolation only being visited by psychiatrists and social workers, each wanting her to take tests and take medications which made her feel more and more nauseous and wanting to sleep endlessly. When she was finally released she was sent to a girl's group home several hundred miles away.

I listened as she went on for nearly an hour telling the story of the horrific events of her life in the control of the system. While I had many thoughts on how she could have handled things differently, I realized more than anything that she needed to be heard and feel connected to someone who could make her feel okay about herself.

So I listened, intently.

When she finally stopped I asked one question: "At any point did you ask to speak with me?"

"I did ask to speak to you!" She replied loudly. "I told them you were the only one I'd speak to! But they wouldn't let me. They said I needed help a school counselor couldn't give. They wouldn't let me talk to you or call you or anything!"

I stayed in contact regularly with Iesha for several years after that. She would call when she needed advice and eventually I got her to call even when things were going well. She got into a GED program and eventually moved in with an Aunt who took her away from the old neighborhood and gave her a new chance in a new town. She got her first job at a GAP store and eventually enrolled in a Community College. I lost contact with her shortly after that but had lots of evidence that she had internalized a positive way of approaching her life, particularly the challenges she faced regarding making tough choices to stay committed to a positive life even when those around her are not.

I think back on the work we did together and how often the greatest thing I was able to do with her was to get her laugh and experience some joy in a life which was otherwise stressful and demanded her be guarded and tense. Beyond that, just getting her to think positively and notice what is working felt like a success - a success I saw more of towards the end.

I don't know whether or not she remembers me in the way I remember her, but I do know that what I learned from her, particularly about how to relate to and communicate with an angry teen aged girl are lessons and skills I still use to this day.

They are skills I've taught as best I can to countless others since then.

In some way, I hope it has all mattered.



	Building Positive Relationships with Teen Girls- Part 1 By Jeffrey Leiken, MA Over the past month and a half I prepared and presented a series of programs on the specifics of how to work effectively with teen-agers, focusing in particular on the volatile age of 13. I've read, talked about, and researched much of what is out there on this topic... and always from the perspective of "What is working?" What has become evident is that the struggles with this age group are pervasive - it is the most common age group I get asked about. It is also evident that it is much easier for people to focus on the nature of the problems these girls face and much harder to speak of solutions. It is also evident that the most cutting edge work being done now stems from people who are studying the development of the adolescent brain and how this effects decision making (or lack thereof), sleep patterns, emotional surges and self-perception. We are finding there is much more that is involuntary in these kids than most of the field of psychology has thought. Finally, there is much written about the difficulty teen girls have in relationships, some of it from well respected sources, but very little about how to counter that - or what to do about it. It is these last points that I want to address briefly in these posting. In her book The Frailty Myth: Redefining the Physical Potential of Women and Girls, Colette Dowling explores in great details the stories women are taught which impact their sense of possibilities and limitations about their bodies. She points out the fascinating research which was done around women who have grown up to be successful leaders and how the one thing they most often share in common is having played competitive team sports throughout adolescence. There is the obvious connection to be made with how this allows girls the opportunity to experience competition in a positive way - and to grow comfortable with it. There is something else though which to me is of great interest and I believe of great significance... The overwhelming empirical evidence I find for my beliefs about this suggests this has as much to do with these girls being allowed an on-going sense of comfort and ease of being in their bodies, as it does anything else. One of the points I make to graphically demonstrate this is to contrast the way women are taught to sit "proper" with their legs crossed versus the way they are when they are actively engaged in cheering on their teammates in sports - a totally different experience of being in the body! This sense of the charge of being actively in the body is also in great contrast to the way the body is when it is holding stress and tension. Playing sports demands being out of the head (thinking about things) and instead being in the body in the full sensory experience... and in a most positive way. There is tons of evidence and research which sugests how vital this is to both physical and emotional health. Laughter, playfulness, silliness.. the kinds of things we see so little of in girls this age, are essential... and are things we can do, with ease. The more we can do things with girls which gets them to be relaxed, at-ease and enjoying life - with the accompanying response is causes in the body - the better their lives will be. In this case, laughter may indeed be the best "therapy" - the best medicine. Secondly, there is a positive sense of relationships which being on a team fosters. There is no room for resentment or hurtfulness between teammates who are committed to winning. Time and again I have found that girls of this age have very few sources in their lives for positive connections with others - relationships which allow them to be fully at ease and feel connected without reserve. Parents often get caught up in continuing to try and protect their daughters as they grow into this age when what they need is to be free to begin to explore their own independence. Rather than adjusting the way they relate to their children at this age to be more appropriate for the budding young adult they are becoming, parents (and adults in general) tend to become even more watchful and critical. The resultant response this causes in young teens is a relationship where when they are with their parents they become tense and guarded. Often evenwhen parents are being complimentary it is received as just another sign that they are being "babied" and not treated respectfully! Michael Rierra has written a series of books on connecting with teens which I find particularly useful if you have gotten to the point where your teen is experiencing you this way and you need to establish rapport and can't figure out how. In particular check out his book, Staying Connected to Your Teen. The key to this age then for us as professionals working with these girls is to create relationships with these girls which are positive FOR THEM... to be with these girls in a way in which when they are with us they are at ease. Doing this creates the internal response we are hoping to create when we do things like give compliments - and it allows these girls the chance to begin to reconnect with what is best in themselves. It also allows us to have great leverage in helping them formulate their values and the choices they'll make of how they want to live. Finally, it allows us to begin to facilitate their having these kinds of relationships with one another. The best work being written on this topic at this point in my opinion is Michael Gurian's The Wonder Of Girls. I also know that doing this effectively with girls of this age demands skill and can indeed be an art form. It is my intention over this year to publish a series of vignettes like the one below, which offer examples of how this is being done effectively. I hope you will find these useful and I will look forward to your sharing more of your successes with me in the coming year. Best regards, Jeffrey Leiken
	Jeffrey S. Leiken, MA The Center for Confidence and Success San Francisco - New York - London 415.441..8218 www.MentorCounselor.com Empowering youth to lead extraordinary lives
	Iesha -age 15. This first story is extreme. It is about connecting with an angry inner-city girl living a life on the margin. I met Iesha when I was working as an "at-risk" counselor in the San Francisco public schools in the mid 1990s. She was placed in an alternative school for her frequent discipline problems, failing grades and poor attendance. She had been picked up by the police for possessing pot and was now on probation - a consequence which compelled her to attend school or risk being incarcerated. Like most of the kids I worked with at the time she came from a single parent home and was surrounded by lots of adults and kids who exhibited similar behaviors and attitudes towards the culture at large. She was highly guarded and expected not only that the adults in the school would not be able to relate to her reality, but that nothing they would say or do would be useful or positive for her. In short, she had set people like me up to be obstacles to her life rather than helpers or positive guides. Though she came to school, she frequently came late and thus began our series of morning meetings as she'd come to me for a late pass. Initially most of my comments to her were met with defensiveness and/or indifference. I came to expect this and in an attempt to just be different than she would expect from an adult in the schools, I took to being overtly dramatic about my indifference to her. This is something often referred to as pacing. An example: Iesha: Enters room without knocking. I need a pass. Me:So. Iesha: What do you mean so? Me: I mean what I said. Iesha: (now a bit flustered). Mr. Jeff I need a pass! Me:That's not all you need. Iesha: Oh my G-d are you copping an attitude with me? Me: What attitude??Every day you come in here and treat me like you could care less that I exist and like nothing I say matters. Why should I be concerned about what you need? Iesha: - clearly flustered now. Says nothing. Me:Here's your pass. Maybe sometime you'll come in and have something nice to say. You might find it worth your while... I'll see you tomorrow, I'm sure. I pause long enough to make eye contact - sincere eye contact. The kind that reveals that I am more present than my words suggest. She leaves. The next day Iesha arrives late again: Iesha: How you doin' this morning Mr. Jeff. Thatss a nice tie you got there. Where'd you buy it, Wal-Mart? Me: Let me guess. You need a pass. Iesha: (dramatically) PLEASE!! Me: handing her the pass - "K" Iesha: puzzled. K? What do you mean K? Me: "K as in K-Mart. I bought the tie at K-Mart. Now get out of here. Us poor counselors have REAL work to do." Thus began our series of conversations which led to a bond which formed and eventually became one of the most significant ones both in her life and in my at the time, very young career. Within a week I established a boundary with Iesha that I would allow her to come in and meet with me only on the days when she came to school on time. If she did, I would arrange special meeting time for us. This typically happened only once or twice a week but when it did she made a point to come in and tell me she was there. The positive connection had begun to form in a way which stayed with her even outside of school. I spent many hours over the course of that fall and winter just listening to her tell her stories of the things she'd seen and heard. I learned about her mother who left her with her Grandmother and got caught up in being with men who used her for sex and got her deeply involved in drugs. She told me what it was like when she would see her mother on the streets wired on cocaine hanging on the shoulder of some drug dealer - how embarrassing it was and how much resentment she felt. I'd hear these stories and not know what to say other than to continue to point out to her that she still very much had the possibility of making her own life be so much better. Over time she came to listen to me long enough to consider the possibilities of what I was offering. It was not new to her to hear it, but it seemed like the first time she actually listened and considered it. She shared with me news about the boys she was involved with and especially the older guys who were interested in her. It concerned me that she would fall for these guys and I'd ask her how she knows these guys are not any different than the ones her mother fell for. She'd get angry with me and occasionally would stomp out of my office mumbling about how I am just like every one else... and I'd let her go. I knew she'd be back. It was evident to me just how much she needed - and wanted - a positive connection with an adult - one who would be a voice of reason even as she needed to make her choices and find her own way. In March of that year she stopped coming to school. My repeated calls to her Grandmother's home went unanswered. More than a month passed and I was informed by the Probation department that she was in serious trouble and that she wasn't allowed visitors. I chalked Iesha up to one of the many disappointments of working with this population. I had grown used to this feeling I was making a difference only to lose out to the many forces out there in their world which had more leverage than me. It is not that I had grown hard to it - in fact it still bothers me to this day when it happens. It is just that I had gotten to the point where I realized that I never know how much time I am going to have with anyone - thus it is vital to make sure the time we have is maximized and done with the most impact. One afternoon in late April, Iesha called my office. She was back in her Grandmother's home and wanted to see me. When she arrived in my office she sat down and immediately began telling me a long story about how her mother had shown up one night and ravaged the house looking for money. Iesha totally lost control and pulled a knife out and chased her mother away. The neighbors called the police and had her taken away to Juvenile Hall. While there she refused to talk to anyone and was put on suicide watch. After a week of not eating and not talking she was taken to the psych hospital. There she attacked a couple of workers and was sedated and strapped down. They refused to let her free until she agreed to eat and talk. When she finally acquiesced, she spent a week in isolation only being visited by psychiatrists and social workers, each wanting her to take tests and take medications which made her feel more and more nauseous and wanting to sleep endlessly. When she was finally released she was sent to a girl's group home several hundred miles away. I listened as she went on for nearly an hour telling the story of the horrific events of her life in the control of the system. While I had many thoughts on how she could have handled things differently, I realized more than anything that she needed to be heard and feel connected to someone who could make her feel okay about herself. So I listened, intently. When she finally stopped I asked one question: "At any point did you ask to speak with me?" "I did ask to speak to you!" She replied loudly. "I told them you were the only one I'd speak to! But they wouldn't let me. They said I needed help a school counselor couldn't give. They wouldn't let me talk to you or call you or anything!" I stayed in contact regularly with Iesha for several years after that. She would call when she needed advice and eventually I got her to call even when things were going well. She got into a GED program and eventually moved in with an Aunt who took her away from the old neighborhood and gave her a new chance in a new town. She got her first job at a GAP store and eventually enrolled in a Community College. I lost contact with her shortly after that but had lots of evidence that she had internalized a positive way of approaching her life, particularly the challenges she faced regarding making tough choices to stay committed to a positive life even when those around her are not. I think back on the work we did together and how often the greatest thing I was able to do with her was to get her laugh and experience some joy in a life which was otherwise stressful and demanded her be guarded and tense. Beyond that, just getting her to think positively and notice what is working felt like a success - a success I saw more of towards the end. I don't know whether or not she remembers me in the way I remember her, but I do know that what I learned from her, particularly about how to relate to and communicate with an angry teen aged girl are lessons and skills I still use to this day. They are skills I've taught as best I can to countless others since then. In some way, I hope it has all mattered.